Look, I get it. Everyone's talking about the new Popeye's chicken sandwich vs. Chick-fil-A. The entire battle for chicken supremacy has taken a firm grip on the American consciousnes. Frankly, I don't know why everyone's surprised that Popeye's makes a good sandwich. It's like the best chicken in the fast-fried chicken market, so I don't think it's that big of a stretch to think they can find success slapping some chicken in a bun with mayo and a pickle. You know what, at the end of the day, it's just a chicken sandwich, folks. You know what you're getting, and that's not what were about here at Meatball Sports.
This is a place where we venture into the unknown frontiers, answering the big questions. This weeks question?... Can we make the Whopper healthy? It's plain and simple: the Whopper is the best burger of the major fast food conglomerates. I've put my kids through Catholic school on that take, and the audacity of Burger King to think they can turn the artery-clogging colossus into a new health craze, well that just makes me sick. So, can we make the Whopper P.C.?
The results may surprise you
If you put this in front of the most adamant carnivore, they would not be able to tell the difference. This is textbook Whopper. Sesame seed bun, patty on the bottom, and the toppings haphazardly, yet tastefully, placed atop. As you will notice, there is no cheese. Sometimes you gotta switch it up, folks. I'm not saying I'm better than you for not intaking empty calories, but you do the math. Aside from that, this is a good lookin' Whopper. Like you read about.
Eye score: 8.4
This is what it's all about. Most veggie "alternatives" can get away with tricking people on looks, but no one's going to want to eat a burger that tastes like my PF Flyers. Well, despite my best efforts, the King knocked it out of the park. It tastes 99 percent the same. I honestly couldn't tell the difference. Look, I'm not saying I'm taking this route going forward, but I bet if you blindfolded someone and put both Whoppers in front of them, they wouldn't be able to tell the difference. It was so similar that I actually drove home in silence and asked myself if everything up to this point in my life had been a lie. More on that next time. A+ to all those involved.
Mouth score: 8.7
This was going to be a perfect score until my bowels decided to take an unexpected turn about two hours after consumption. Now, I don't know if that was from the burger or the new taco they're rolling out that I also tried (good, but overrated. Jack in the Box taco's all day), but considering the absence of agita as well as zero meat-sweat factor, I'm giving my new vegan friend the benefit of the doubt.
Body score: 8.5
OVERALL SCORE: 8.5/10
I feel dirty.
Due to popular demand (one guy), it is time to review, in my opinion, one of the most exciting prospects in the fast food game in quite some time. McDonald's usually like to keep it simple with their offerings. They know what they're good at, and they don't usually deviate from the formula. That's why they're the Tim Duncan of the drive-thru. It's not gonna wow you or get you writing home to mama, but you're going to keep going back to them because, goddamnit, they just get the job done.
But every once and a while, they're gonna drop a 50-burger on that ass, and that's what we have here. The McDonalds Cheesy Bacon Fries are an absolute game changer, and while they're for a "limited time only", I think they may find a permanent spot in the lineup. Let's Go!
There isn't really anything flashy about whats going on here, but what the hell were you really expecting. You know what you ordered. If you're worried about the pageantry and pomp of some cheesy bacon fries, I don't have anything for you. I was happy that they used their classic fries instead of some special fry just for this, and the perfect amount of cheese was applied; enough to coat every fry nicely, but not too much to where you have to air-lift queso drown victims from the bottom of the box with your fork. The bacon simply looks tremendous, but my favorite part may be the box. No fancy ads or designs; just your classic red Micky D's container that says, "Yeah, its a red box. We know you're still going to eat the entire box you bowling ball." You're damn right, Ronald.
Eye Score: 7.9/10
I mean of course it's great. Your taking arguably the greatest confection in fast food history and adding melted queso and bacon. There is literally no way they could have screwed this up. The cheese miraculously isn't sweet (shoutout Burger King), and while the bacon kind of tastes like it was cooked a long time ago in a land far, far away, it's still bacon. I mean who among us hasn't faced that mini-jar of bacon bits that your mom keeps in the fridge to spice up her salad game. Bacon=Good. Cheese=Good. Fries=Good. The only thing I could see making this better would be to throw some Mac Sauce on the top to make McDonalds animal fries, but other than that, well done, sir.
Taste Score: 8.5/10
Aside from the general shame and suffocating loneliness that comes from eating at McDonalds in your car by yourself, it was great. No stomach ache, nausea, or anything really. Meat sweats are simply a price we pay at this point, but if you just mix in a water to avoid looking like Louie Anderson, you should be good.
Body Score: 8.0/10
OVERALL SCORE: 8.1 Meatballs/10
Preface: A couple of months ago, in an effort to cut some weight and get looking fresh for the upcoming winter season, I decided to quit eating fast food and attempted to cut carbs all-together, which is why I haven't done one of these in what feels like millennia. However, after realizing that my skinny-fat ass is never going to change its body composition from that of Jason Segel, I've decided to get back on the horse. Let's get this bread.
In an effort to dupe the entirety of the American public, Burger King has attempted to create a burger that appeals to the obese stoner that lives inside all of us. By combining two of America's most beloved sandwiches, the cheeseburger and the Philly cheese steak, you would think it would be impossible to screw up such an incredible idea. You would be wrong. For whatever reason, BK has this fascination with venturing into foreign territory and putting their corporate spin on some of this nations most beloved sandwiches, and as the cool kids would say, this is not it, Chief. Let's get into this cheesey nightmare.
Looks: Gross, gross, gross. You know there's a problem when in the ads their running, it still looks like a double cheeseburger with human bile dolloped on top. In person, its not much better. First of all, maybe the person over-did the onion "sauce" atop the patties, but the burger wrap itself was simply a travesty. Typically I like to keep the wrapping on the burger as I eat and peel back as I go (In'n'Out style) to keep my fingies nice and clean, but this dirty onion diaper made that impossible. The (presumably?) cheese whiz sauce was there, and the double cheeseburger looked pretty standard. No garnish to speak of, but if you've given up the day and are ordering a cheese steak burger, you're probably not worried about vegetables.
Eye Score: 3.8/10
Taste: In a shocking twist of events, the onion/cheese sauce combo was atrocious. The first thing that hits your mouth is this sweetness from the cheese sauce, which is as gross as that sounds. Burger King keeps doing this "sweet sauce" thing; they did it with the Chicken Parm and the Cordon Bleu, and it's beyond me how no one seemingly has been fired over this. It's simply baffling. Like, in what universe has anyone been like, "You know what would go great with this cheese whiz? Sugar!" So yeah, that taste pretty much dominates the entire experience, and you can't really taste the onions. The silver lining, however, is if you scrape the gobbledygook off the top, which I did, you are left with a pretty standard Burger King double cheeseburger, which is pretty good.
Mouth Score: With sauce: 2.5; without: 7.4
After Affect: I am sorry to say that I cannot give you a body score as I performed the old scrape'n'scarf. I was hungry and had enough self-respect to not endure such a venture. I enjoyed my plain double cheeseburger and washed it down with a Kona Longboard. Sorry to disappoint.
Agita Score: N/A
Overall Score: 3.2 Meatballs/10
While the pure enthusiasm for trying these new fast food items is usually enough for me, seeing Josh Duhamel on the tube drives it over the top. Look, when Captain Lennox from Transformers tells you to get your ass to a Taco Bell and try the new $1 Nacho Fries, you get your ass to a Taco Bell and try the new $1 Nacho Fries. Social media is blowing up over these, so it must go through the Meatball gauntlet. Remember folks, I do it not for me, but for Meatball Nation. Let's go
Look, fries are fries. They're never going to be the bell of the ball, and often they're looks fall by the wayside. The only time I've ever been visually pleased with fries are when they come animal style, which is kind of cheating. However, Taco Bell is coming close. They're dusted with what appears to be taco seasoning, look cooked to perfection, and have an inviting cup of queso for accompaniment. I was expecting the portion to be a little bigger, but for only $1, there are no complaints.
Eye Score: 7/10
Good Golly Ms. Molly, these fries are absolutely tremendous. One major gripe that I've had with Taco Bell is that they essentially use the same 7 ingredients for everything on the menu, and I am pleased to announce that the powder/taco seasoning is unlike anything I've had there yet. People like their fries all sorts of ways, but for me, I like when they're just a little soft, like old school McDonalds fries before they got all PC. (By the way, if you think plain In n Out fries are better than McDonalds fries, you are a threat to normal society and need to be committed to a mental home). Anyways, if they didn't sweeten the deal enough with the Guadalajaran pixie dust, they give you a vat of queso that elevates the entire experience to an echelon of culinary experiences that I had previously thought unimaginable. Taco Bell also offers a Nacho Fries Bell Grande that I assume are outstanding, but I don't think my little heart could take it, so I stuck to the basics.
Mouth Score: 9.5/10
Nothing to report. No agita, no stomach ache, no regrets; nothing. In fact, I feel better after eating this. I'm ready to crush day and be a productive member of this society. Thank you Taco Bell, Thank you.
Body Score: 9/10
Overall Score: 8.5 Meatballs/10
By popular demand, I dragged my bad self down to the international house of underwhelming, Burger King, to try out the new monstrosity they've concocted for all of us to enjoy. Introducing the new Flamin' Hot Mac n Cheetos. In my opinion, it's bad enough that chip brands have been dragged into this cholesterol fueled bastardization of American consumerism (besides you, Fritos in my Taco Bell burrito. You can stay), but to then sully the Mac n Cheese name should be a crime. But, like everything else, I do it for you, so here we go.
I still don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but it looks exactly like it does in all the commercial. Aside from looking like a piece of Clifford's shit, it's completely inoffensive. Upon breaking in half, I was expecting an orange congealed mess, but there was a clear separation of church and state with the Mac and the "Flamin'" powder. I'm impressed Burger King, but my opinion could not have been lower up to this point.
Eye Score: 6/10
To my astonishment... not horrible? Look, by no means are these good. But bad? If I'm anything, I'm honest, and while I would probably never order them again, but I can honestly say that they weren't terrible. They had good heat, which is usually a rarity when these places advertise things as "hot", and the cheese inside tasted like actual cheese. The crust-area was a little overdone for my liking, but the only real problem I had that was worth writing home about was the filling. It had a weird spongey, almost play-dohey texture that was interesting to chew on, I guess thats so they can deep fry it without making a giant mac n' cheese mess in the kitchen. I would probably suggest to just not make it at all. You're the King of Burgers; stay in your lane.
Mouth Score: 5/10
You only get three... uh... things per order, so there isn't a very big margin for any bad agita. It did however make a reappearance on the toilet a couple hours later to spice things up a bit. If you still live in the Bronze Age and roll exclusively with toilet paper, then I would not recommend.
Body Score: 6/10
Overall Score: 5.6 Meatballs/10
You know, when you've been in the fast food game as long as I have, you learn to live with taking a lot of L's. In the never-ending pursuit for drive thru glory, you come across a lot of dirty and grimy pitstops, but today, we finally got a W people. For this trip, I veered away from the usual poultry monstrosities to try a new burger from everyone's favorite 2:00 AM blackout trough, Jack in the Box. Lets go
As good as this burger was, she's not much of a looker. They tried to get fancy with the bun by dusting what appears to be flour on the top to try and get that artisan feel, but it ends up just looking like an ashy foot. The meat and cheese are fairly standard; nothing to write home about. However, the tomato placement was the kind you read about, and the carmelized onions have that certain "Je ne sais quoi" that posh up the vibe. But the real star of the night is the mystery brown sauce. It draws the eye, and entices the patron in the utmost primal way.
Eye Score: 6.5/10
Folks, I cannot overstate how good his thing was. When the Box starts playing around with their burgers, it usually is a home run, and this is another example. The bun?... splendid. I take it all back. Like pillows, I tell ya. While there was no recognizable difference in the quality of the meat (as it is a "ribeye" burger), my wallet didn't notice either, so we're all good there. The havarti/beef combo is a gamechanger for me going forward, and the tomato filled his role nicely. But that sauce... Jesus Christ. I have done a little research, and I still have no idea as to what it is or what they were going for, but this sauce is an absolute gamebreaker in the fast food world. Going to be a must for burgers and nuggies going forward.
Mouth Score: 9/10
While I did get a little agita on the car ride home, I attribute that to the eggrolls more than the burger (While I realize ordering eggrolls at Jack in the Box is that of absolute heathenry, I highly recommend them). But if I'm anything, I'm fair, and I have to dock points due to the holy sauce spilling on the seat of my car which was absolutely infuriating. Other than that, it was a great treat to cap off a day.
Body Score: 8/10
Overall Score: 7.9 Meatballs/10... and thank you
Today, I moseyed my way down to Burger King to check out what I thought would be a semi-decent dining experience. I saw this thing on TV and said, "Its a ham and cheese with fried chicken. How could they mess that up?" Well I found out, and boy they showed me. This is the Chicken Cordon Bleu from Burger King.
Honestly, the thing doesn't look terrible, at least when held to the standards of fast food. I mean sure, the ham dangling off the side of the sandwich invokes thoughts of loose flesh, but that's what you come to expect. The chicken actually looks nice and crispy, and the cheese seems to actually be melted all the way through. The bun looks nice, but almost too nice, like it was created in a lab or something. Side note: They need to figure out a better way of packaging their sandwiches up than wrapping it in that paper because the bun was essentially sweating when I got it. Overall meh looks.
Visual Score: 5/10
I know many of you probably think I'm exaggerating, but in all honesty, this thing is absolutely repugnant. I just don't understand who at headquarters tasted this final product and OK'd the release to the public. And it's really a simple fix: just change the sauce. My Lord. I mean the chicken is fine and the cheese is inoffensive. The ham could be better, but the sauce is absolutely fowl. It's obnoxiously sweet, and I have no idea why. I was so confused, in fact, I looked up what actual chicken cordon bleu is, and the sauce is supposed to be a mustard cream sauce. This, for some reason, is what Burger King calls a "zingy tomato sauce." Look Burger King, it's bad enough that you're bastardizing a pillar of French cuisine; the last thing I need you to do is start freewheelin' and changing the recipes, 'cause it's a God damned disaster.
Taste Score: 2/10
I couldn't finish this thing, so I cannot calculate my final score. I refused to take more than three bites of this thing, and wanted to fight another day. Cant give a body score because I didn't get enough down.
Body Score: N/A
Overall Score: 3.5 meatballs/10... For shame...
BONUS SHAKE REVIEW: FROOT LOOP SHAKE
Absolutely delightful for anyone who likes Froot Loops or Fruity Pebbles. Highly Recommend : 8/10
In the greatest depths of hell, past all evil tyrants from history and the hate in this world, lies this inexcusable monstrosity of human creation. By far the most requested review of the past couple of weeks, it became my own obligation to inform the public about this culinary abomination. Remember, I don't do this for me; never have, never will. It's for you, Meatball Nation. Enjoy.
Looks: I honestly don't really know what to say about how this thing looks. I guess the most positive comment I can give is that it is in taco shape. Other than that, it's pretty abysmal. I mean it's a fucking fried egg taco shell. Now that I think about it, if they were going for funny, they nailed it on the head. It's absurd looking. It's a bacon and potato taco with queso and normal cheese in an egg tortilla. Think about it. I'm sorry if it sounds like I am rambling, but I can't get over the fact that this is an actual thing. It's like the owner of the company charged his 3 year old son to find the next big thing in the food world. Well done, kid. Well done.
Visual Score: 3/10... I guess
Taste: This thing is horrible. First, the egg is about 800 degrees, and you have to wait about 2 minutes before you eat it. Once it finally cools down, you pick it up and realize, "Oh yeah, this is an egg," while the oil from the cooking process ever so gently careens onto your hand. Second, it's an absolute texture nightmare. The only thing that is supposed to give this thing any sort of bite is the potato, and for whatever reason, the lady skimped on the spuds, leaving me with magma queso and, surprisingly, unmelted cheese! Bacon always help, but it wasn't enough to salvage this vessel. It doesn't necessarily taste horrendous, but the eating experience is 100% nightmare fuel. I will say, however, if you order it with pico de gallo, as I did the second go around, it does help the temperature disparity.
Taste Score: 2/10
After Effect: While this lampooning of Mexican cuisine put my brain in a pretzel, my gastrointestinal system seemed to have little to no issue with it. It was the normal post-fastfood feel, but it is a small taco, which gave my tummy a break. No TUMS, just confusion.
Body Score: 6/10
Overall Score: 3.6 meatballs/10
Just get your crunchwrap
While on my way back from class, I really was hankering for a piece of chicken. While that would normally result in an excursion to the Church's Chicken down the block, this time I had opted for a trip to the evil empire, McDonalds, to try this new sriracha sandwich thing I've been seeing on TV. I gotta be honest, it looked really good on TV, and even though I had quit eating there for a while, the ads just looked too damn good. But remember you guys, I don't do this for me, I do it to protect you from these corporate money grab schemes. Let's get started.
I gotta say, this is about as close I have ever seen to a TV match. The bun is as shiny as it is in the commercial. The chicken looks fried to perfection, and the lettuce protrudes out of the bun in such a way that invites the diner to eat. Also worth noting: the lettuce isn't like the usual "big mac" shredded lettuce, it's actual lettuce. I guess that's the "artisan" touch. Usually in fast food, things often look too good to be true, but Micky-D's outdid themselves here.
Visual Score: 10/10
This is flat-out a good sandwich. If you like sriracha, which I do, it is well worth the price of admission. It is a little hotter than I expected, since fast food places usually skimp on the heat, but I had no issues with it. Couldn't really taste the tomato, but no one really cares. The bun was soft, the chicken was crispy, and the sriracha sauce was dynamite. I am going out on a limb and saying that besides the McGangbang, this is the best sandwich McDonalds has to offer, and is in the conversation for best chicken sando in the market.
Taste Score: 8.5/10
Unsurprisingly, McDonald's let my body down. There were no pre-vomitous episodes or violent takings of shit. Just the usual regret, bloating, and questioning of decisions. Wasn't feeling great, but hey, when you sleep with the dog's your bound to get fleas.
Body Score: 6/10
Total score: 8.1 meatballs/ 10
In the never-ending quest to take on every promotional items that the diabetes-creation factories try and put forth to us, I find myself on a gloomy Monday afternoon with Burger Kings new Chicken Parm Sandwich. First of all, I don't really understand why they are trying to take this sort of thing on. I'm pretty sure there isn't an outcry of Italians who feel that they have been underrepresented in the fast food community, and to be honest, the idea of Burger King making a chicken parm sandwich screams diarrhea central. But let's get started
Upon first glance, it doesn't look terrible. The bun, while manufactured looking, is appealing to the eye. There seems to be a proper marinara-to-cheese ratio, and a sizable piece of what looks to be real chicken invites the customer to indulge. Armed with chicken fries and a sprite for backup, I am ready to eat.
Visual Score: 8/10
I don't like it. Right off the bat, the cheese isn't melted. But even worse, it's not completely uncooked; rather it looks almost like its sweating. Another 30 seconds in the microwave for this abomination of Italian cuisine would have served well. Also, as far as the chicken goes, looks can be deceiving. It is offensively over-crispy, leaving the inside tasteless and dry, and soft for some reason. Maybe I got a bad piece, but it had the mouthfeel of playdough coated in sand. It did however have that chemically injected chicken taste that I have to admit I have grown fond of over the years. Also, the sauce isn't terrible, and is a nice break in the action from the rest of the sandwich. Overall, not the worst tasting thing on the planet, but would not recommend to a friend
Taste Score: 3.5/10
Maybe around the fourth or fifth bite was about the time that I began to have a physical reaction to what I was eating. My tummy began to feel queezy, and much like the cheese on the sandwich, I began to sweat. But like any red-blooded American would, I powered through, for my beloved readers. I eventually finished, after taking a couple breaks for chicken fries and time to analyze how far I had fallen. The car ride home was no fun, becoming an internal back and forth of heartburn and almost shitting my pants. I popped a TUMS and was all good, but we were cutting it close. Again, I think I got a bad piece of chicken, so I'm not going to let one bad apple ruin it for the rest of the batch. Heartburn comes with the territory and I doubt impending diarrhea is a normal thing. That being said, avoiding this experience is highly recommended.
Body Score: 4/10
OVERALL SCORE: 5.2 Meatballs/10
Bring your TUMS.
Fast Food enthusiast on a mission to try every promotional/seasonal fast food item. I do it so you don't have to. New review every week