Hand up, I've done this more than once.
Look, it's not something I'm proud of. Frankly, there's nothing more sobering than standing in line behind some sixth graders deciding whether or not I'm getting my waffle cone dipped in chocolate, while the parents in the store look at me like I'm the star of the next Netflix murder bio-series.
No more ice cream shaming.
Sometimes after a day of hard work and grinding, I just want to sit in my car, eat some mint chip with hot fudge, and listen to Jocko Willink tell me how I'm a spineless civilian squid. (I highly recommend his podcast).
And to answer your question, no. This blog isn't me trying to justify the decisions I make due to my crippling loneliness. I just like ice cream... okay?
That reminds me... Going to the movies alone is WAY better than going with a bunch of people.
If you're like me, you want to just sit there in silence and absorb a cinematic experience in the highest capacity. The last thing I need is some Chatty Kathy to keep asking me how different plot points connect because they clearly didn't watch enough theory-prep videos on youtube.
"Wait, I thought Dr. Strange was dead..."
"They time traveled, Diane."
BTW... ICEEs are overrated. After five minutes, you're just drinking syrup.
If you didn't already know, Cyber Monday has come and gone. What used to be considered the lazy boy's Black Friday has now supplanted the infamous "holiday" as the true mark for where consumerism is placing it's importance. With all the hooplah of the holiday season, I did not partake in the festivities because in order to purchase things online, one needs money, and as it turns out, writing and managing a blog that doesn't run ads is not a great way to boost the old checking account. I know; crazy. But let's see what you idiots did with you're money yesterday.
#1: Amazon Echo Dot
Why we keep allowing Jeff Bezos to infiltrate every facet of our lives is beyond me. This came out a couple of years ago, but more and more people are electing to invite this psycho into their homes. I know that Amazon has said that the device doesn't begin to listen until the "Alexa" command is uttered, but there's no way that's actually the case. It's listening to everything you're doing, and that's a horrific prospect. Personally, I would be mortified if anyone knew that I've been watching Devil Wears Prada and Love Actually religiously for the last month preparing for the heartache of the holiday season. Couldn't be me.
All jokes aside, are we not positive that this guy isn't an actual super villain. Lets comb through some of the facts. Born in New Mexico. Automatic red flag. The only things I know about New Mexico are that A.) Old Mexico goes way harder, and B.) Aliens are there, and considering that Bezos created a company in 2000 (Blue Origin) dedicated to space travel, we can't rule out the possibility that this freak is actually an alien. Another fun thing about "Jeff" is that he rigged an electric alarm in his house to keep his siblings out of his room. Do you realize how insane that is. Imagine having a sleepover as a kid at the Bezos house. You get up in the middle of the night to take a leak because those 7 orange Fanta's you drank watching Benji aren't sitting too well. You come back slowly and quietly as to not wake anyone up, and as the door slowly creaks closed, an alarm sets off the whole house, to which you promptly dump your pants. Not for me. Also, he went to Princeton, which as we all know is the shadiest of the Ivy League schools.
But yeah, keep funding this guy. When the end of days arrives and this guy is leading the gauntlet against the human race, you will have no one else to blame but yourself.
#2: Bose QuietComfort 25 Noise Cancelling Headphones
These are some pretty solid headphones. People seem happy with their order. Nothing to see here.
#3: Ancestry DNA Testing Packet
First they want to here all of our conversations and now they want to get our DNA samples. We should be more worried about the 1% creating a clone army of us instead of... what was it... wealth distribution? I don't know. But yeah, this is the final step before the machines take over. I begrudgingly took one of these last year (turns out I'm 2% Tongan; look at me!), and there is a SUPER important caveat in the fine print. If you're dumb enough to subject yourself and the rest of your family to this, most likely, scam, make sure you click the "do not use my sample for genetic testing" tab. This sounds like it's coming straight out of the Mojo Jojo textbook of how to take over the world. No thanks. By the way, if you didn't get that last reference, you're old and I'm sorry.
#4: Becoming by Michelle Obama
Probably not going to read it, although it is getting some pretty good reviews on Goodreads. Lord knows Barack is out there partying his ass off after 8 years of dealing with nonsense. Someone's gotta keep the lights on.
Interesting note: Michelle Obama and Jeff Bezos were at Princeton together for 3 years. Must be a total coincidence that during the Obama administration Amazon took a meteoric rise from being basically an e-book company into dominating the consumer market. Hm
Hell Yeah! right you millennial scum. You can throw away your Fortknight's and put down that SnapFace, because when it starts pissin' rain and you're stuck inside all day, it's time to whip out every dad's favorite game, JENGA! This honestly is making me so happy right now. With all the technological advancements we are making in the entertainment sphere, there just is something about pushing wood in a stack that is just primally satisfying. Jenga is is "Jaws" of boardgames. It's not nearly as exciting as it used to be, but it's a classic for a reason, and if you play it once every 2 years on a rainy day, you're gonna have a good time.
#6: Intant Pot Crock Pot:
News Alert: College Kids are Still Poor. Thanks Dad. I'm probably going to use this twice and then realize that not using it is way easier to clean than using it. But it was a good thought.
-via USA TODAY.com
"A new city ordinance has been passed that prohibits the consumption of food in many parts of the city on the sidewalk that are close to tourist attractions."
"Violators can face up to a $580 fine"
"While there is a server lack of benches within the city, the law will still be upheld."
Hey Florence, where in the Sam Hell do you get off. We get it, you're a "cultural hub" and "the birthplace of the Renaissance," but that doesn't give you the right to act like an ass. If I'm dropping 4 grand on a week long trek of the Italian countryside, I should be able to toss my delightfully pleasant 8 euro pistachio gelato on the goddam David statue. And if you don't want people eating near your stuff, add some more benches in the square for Christ's sake. Leslie Knope would be absolutely ashamed.
And while were at it Florence, you've been coasting off the Renaissance for about 500 years now, and you've been a no show ever since. Hey guess what, all the cool stuff is in Rome anyways, and they let people eat IN the Colosseum. The only thing Florence has done since 1500 was allow Nazi's to occupy it (which they then promptly destroyed... who could have seen that coming), and be a safe home for the best pickpockets in Europe. Congrats.
If my sunburned ass wants to enjoy una schiacciata con i prosciutto by Ponte Vecchio overlooking il fiume Arno, I should be able to. Hey Florence, grow up huh?
Memphis Grizzlies forward Chandler Parsons was spotted at Coachella with his girlfriend Cassie Amato. New found respect for Chandler Parsons.
Is Beyonce the most overrated artist of all time?
The 76ers with Joel Embiid are the best team in the East.
NBA Playoff 2nd round collision course. Rockets-Thunder. The Warriors will face the Thunder in the Western conference finals.
Kawhi Leonard is a little BI--- for not traveling with his team during the playoffs.
Patriot fans, enjoy this upcoming season as it will be the last year of the dynasty as Gronk and Brady will not be there beyond 2018.
By Dominic Cavalieri
Its the beginning of March, and for most red blooded Americans, that means the beginning of baseball season, the pastime of the stars and stripes. Are you a fan of ISIS?… are you a member of the Taliban?... do you not enjoy the July 4th festivities? If you answered no to all of thee questions, there is no reason that you shouldn't be absolutely juiced for tomorrow. Baseball season is here, and whether your team is atrocious or not, this marks the beginning of prime nap season, especially during the summer. The greatest season is upon us, and it is simply unAmerican to not abide to the tradition. Enjoy tomorrow, and go Giants.
P.s. If Puig were to rupture some sort of tendon, wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. TY BLACH BABY!
It's that time of the year again, which means that the best baseball player to ever step in the box has been, for yet another year, snubbed by the holier than thou Baseball Writers Association to get into the Baseball Hall of Fame. Whether you like him or hate him, you cannot deny that he was the best player of his generation, steroids or not. Now I'll admit; I'm a little biased. He is my childhood baseball hero and in my mind can only be compared with the Say Hey Kid, Willie Mays. But let's just get one thing straight: the fact that Roger Clemens had a higher vote percentage than Bonds is asinine. Not only was he not on the same level as Bonds as a player, he wasn't even the best pitcher of his generation. That title belongs to the Big Unit, Randy Johnson.
With that all said, I'd like to give some of my favorite Barry Bonds stats provided by cespedesfamilybarbecue.com; a simple reminder of how truly ridiculous this man was.
Simply the greatest
I wasn't going to post this because it seems kind of dumb, but it's been eating at my brain ever since the beginning of the NBA season this year. When the Lakers opened up their season at home against the Clippers, all the lights were on, and the familiar faces showed up. Floyd, a a number of random actors, and I'm sure a Kardashian or two. But of course, the constant, big Jack Nicholson. I see him every year, attending the national games and supporting his beloved Lakers.
Upon seeing Big Jack on screen, I promptly googled him, purely out of reflex, taking a deep dive into his IMDB and Wiki and realized something that calls into question my entire respect for him as a fan. THIS GUY IS FROM NEW JERSEY. Not only that, but he lived there until he was seventeen... MORE than enough time to develop a fandom identity.
Now I know what your saying... "Plenty of actors move to hollywood and start rooting for the big LA teams." I get that. A lot of these artsy types don't give a shit about sports until it's fashionable for them to, and I can understand that move. But in an unsurprising twist, the guy's also a Yankees fan. You know what, just for shits and giggles, let's take a look at some of the championship match-ups from back in the day.
Hm. Must be nice to have a team competing for a championship every year for ten years. Sure, the Lakers got their asses kicked for almost a decade straight, but if your telling me there aren't any bandwagon Cavs fans from the last three years you're an insane person. Jack Nicholson is basically your typical young millennial sports fan who doesn't actually give a shit. The high's are of the utmost high, and the lows are... meh... never really cared. He's taking a page straight out of the LeBron James school of fandom.
Are you kidding me? Almost 50 years of league relevance, 40 years of season ticket holding, and after 3 or so bad rebuilding seasons you're ready to give it up. If the Buss family had any shred of self-respect, Nicholson would get the Oakley treatment; barred from entrance.
There's a special place in hell for the Lakers-Yankees fan, and Nicholson is the Grand Poobah.
by Dom Cavalieri
Look, we've all loved Bowman ever since the day we drafted him. He was one half of, in my opinion, the greatest middle-linebacking duo in the history of the NFL, and after the great defensive exodus of 2015, we all looked to him to be the leader of our team. And that he was, even when the team was uproariously awful.
When I first got the update that he had been released by the 49ers per request, I was happy for him. He's not getting any younger, and this 49er team has a lot more ground to cover before they are anywhere near contending. I figured he might sign with the Patriots or Chiefs or even the Raiders for a long year deal.
In the end, he did in fact sign with the Raiders, but instead of signing a long term deal with them in order to possibly see playoffs next season and the year after, he signed 1 YEAR.
If he wanted to miss the playoffs this year and live in the Bay Area, he could have stayed in San(ta) Francisco(Clara), and earning almost ten million dollars more. I'm almost positive the Raiders are going to be good next year, but if Bowman underwhelms and the Raiders see an aging, post injury linebacker, he may not get that chance. We're not mad that you left, we're just frustrated why you did it this way. Whatever, enjoy the worst stadium in the league this year, and maybe after the season is over, we can all watch the playoffs together
MVP: Kevin Durant
Coach of the Year: Brad Stevens
Defensive player of the year: Draymond Green
Rookie of the Year: Ben Simmons
NBA Finals MVP: Steph Curry