If you didn't already know, Cyber Monday has come and gone. What used to be considered the lazy boy's Black Friday has now supplanted the infamous "holiday" as the true mark for where consumerism is placing it's importance. With all the hooplah of the holiday season, I did not partake in the festivities because in order to purchase things online, one needs money, and as it turns out, writing and managing a blog that doesn't run ads is not a great way to boost the old checking account. I know; crazy. But let's see what you idiots did with you're money yesterday.
#1: Amazon Echo Dot
Why we keep allowing Jeff Bezos to infiltrate every facet of our lives is beyond me. This came out a couple of years ago, but more and more people are electing to invite this psycho into their homes. I know that Amazon has said that the device doesn't begin to listen until the "Alexa" command is uttered, but there's no way that's actually the case. It's listening to everything you're doing, and that's a horrific prospect. Personally, I would be mortified if anyone knew that I've been watching Devil Wears Prada and Love Actually religiously for the last month preparing for the heartache of the holiday season. Couldn't be me.
All jokes aside, are we not positive that this guy isn't an actual super villain. Lets comb through some of the facts. Born in New Mexico. Automatic red flag. The only things I know about New Mexico are that A.) Old Mexico goes way harder, and B.) Aliens are there, and considering that Bezos created a company in 2000 (Blue Origin) dedicated to space travel, we can't rule out the possibility that this freak is actually an alien. Another fun thing about "Jeff" is that he rigged an electric alarm in his house to keep his siblings out of his room. Do you realize how insane that is. Imagine having a sleepover as a kid at the Bezos house. You get up in the middle of the night to take a leak because those 7 orange Fanta's you drank watching Benji aren't sitting too well. You come back slowly and quietly as to not wake anyone up, and as the door slowly creaks closed, an alarm sets off the whole house, to which you promptly dump your pants. Not for me. Also, he went to Princeton, which as we all know is the shadiest of the Ivy League schools.
But yeah, keep funding this guy. When the end of days arrives and this guy is leading the gauntlet against the human race, you will have no one else to blame but yourself.
#2: Bose QuietComfort 25 Noise Cancelling Headphones
These are some pretty solid headphones. People seem happy with their order. Nothing to see here.
#3: Ancestry DNA Testing Packet
First they want to here all of our conversations and now they want to get our DNA samples. We should be more worried about the 1% creating a clone army of us instead of... what was it... wealth distribution? I don't know. But yeah, this is the final step before the machines take over. I begrudgingly took one of these last year (turns out I'm 2% Tongan; look at me!), and there is a SUPER important caveat in the fine print. If you're dumb enough to subject yourself and the rest of your family to this, most likely, scam, make sure you click the "do not use my sample for genetic testing" tab. This sounds like it's coming straight out of the Mojo Jojo textbook of how to take over the world. No thanks. By the way, if you didn't get that last reference, you're old and I'm sorry.
#4: Becoming by Michelle Obama
Probably not going to read it, although it is getting some pretty good reviews on Goodreads. Lord knows Barack is out there partying his ass off after 8 years of dealing with nonsense. Someone's gotta keep the lights on.
Interesting note: Michelle Obama and Jeff Bezos were at Princeton together for 3 years. Must be a total coincidence that during the Obama administration Amazon took a meteoric rise from being basically an e-book company into dominating the consumer market. Hm
Hell Yeah! right you millennial scum. You can throw away your Fortknight's and put down that SnapFace, because when it starts pissin' rain and you're stuck inside all day, it's time to whip out every dad's favorite game, JENGA! This honestly is making me so happy right now. With all the technological advancements we are making in the entertainment sphere, there just is something about pushing wood in a stack that is just primally satisfying. Jenga is is "Jaws" of boardgames. It's not nearly as exciting as it used to be, but it's a classic for a reason, and if you play it once every 2 years on a rainy day, you're gonna have a good time.
#6: Intant Pot Crock Pot:
News Alert: College Kids are Still Poor. Thanks Dad. I'm probably going to use this twice and then realize that not using it is way easier to clean than using it. But it was a good thought.