I officially have no idea who's good at the game of football anymore. In what I thought was a gold-plated lock, Sean Payton and 'dem boys laid a tremendous egg on national television, Josh Allen, in defiance of God and man, under-threw a receiver to miss the over, and the low-T New York Giants finally woke up and beat the division leading Bears. Up is Down. Left is Right. We have officially entered Bizarro City, and despite the mayhem, the Gooch is still .500. Your welcome. Here's you're Week 14 picks
Tennessee -5.5 vs. Jacksonville
When the NFL first proposed Thursday night games, this is what they dreamed of. Nothing makes the ladies swoon like those vomit yellow Jags jerseys. You ready for Cody Kessler going 22-35 for 140 yds.? Oh yeah baby. Mariota fumbling twice in the 4th quarter? Thats the stuff. Derrick Henry averaging 2.2 yards a carry? PUT IT IN MY VEINS! Proceed with caution; Titans by 10.
Miami +7.5 vs. New England
Due to Bill Belichick being the Dark Lord and his aversion to the sun, New England has always had issues heading down to South Beach. The amount of half naked bodies in Miami is adversity he doesn't have to deal with in Boston during football season, so look for some very conservative play-calling as to not get too excited. The Dolphins are a bad team, but have just enough spunk to keep things interesting. The Pats win a close one, and the Fish cover.
LA Chargers -14 vs. Cincinnati
You daring me Vegas? You don't think I have the balls to give 14 points late in the season? ATTENTION ALL DEGENERATES, this is an open challenge from Las Vegas. After years of abuse and mistreatment, we have an opportunity now to hit 'em where it hurts. Now is our time to strike! You think Jeff Driskell can keep it close in the LA heat? As long as the Human Milk-Dud Hue Jackson is on the sideline, they will not cover another game; mark my words. Hue Jackson is a human mush, and he should be kept away from women and children. Chargers by a billion.
Chicago +3 vs. LA Rams
Mitch Trubisky is returning against his old roommate Jared Goff, and I think the winner of this game is going to be the representative of the NFC in the Superbowl (I have disavowed the Saints afetr last weeks performance). The Rams are not ready for a little Bear-weather football, and Jared Goff is going to be exposed as the Marin County softie he really is. I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE JARED. Bears by 5.
Minnesota +3 @ Seattle
I will continue to bet on the Vikings and they will continue to egregiously let me down, but I'm not stopping this week. The power of Christ will compel Kirk Cousins to wake the hell up and show up in primetime. Seattle's riding a bit of a hot-streak, but water always finds it's level, and not having good defense has to catch up with you at some point. My grandma also has a crush on Pete Carrol, so in spite, I'm taking the Vikings by 7.
So we didn't do picks last week. Guess what? Thanksgiving weekend is a time for family and blacking out, not gambling. (Full disclosure: I went 1-4 last week but forgot to post it ahead of time. Because of my malfeasance, however, you were spared my brain, and it doesn't go on the season record!) Here are your NFL Week 13 picks.
New Orleans -7.5 @ Dallas (Thursday Night)
This is the "Don't Play Yourself" game of the week. The Saints are absolutely ROLLING, and while a home dog getting 7.5 points as a playoff contender seems tasty, you simply do not want that smoke. Drew Brees is most likely going to win the MVP this year, and the Kamara/Ingram electric factory might me the final push Jerry Jones needs to pass on from this life. Dak Prescott has forgotten how to play quarterback, and Jason Garret is still red. Laissez les bon temps rouler. Saints by a billion.
OVER 40; Buffalo @ Miami
I know this is dumb. I know this is dumb. I know this is dumb, but I have to have faith in God that he won't allow this game to turn out the way we all think it will, simply for the sake of the people living there. Miamians have been through enough with the hurricane 2 months ago, and Buffalonians (yes that's what they call themselves) have been through enough simply by living in that frozen wasteland. Give them something to look forward to. Points, Turnovers. Anything, You're our only hope
Minnesota +5 @ New England
For some reason they are playing a 4 o'clock game at New England, so we're going to treat this we would a night game. It gonna be close, so this is going to be our "Nervous Nellie" lock of the year. It's gonna be a nail-biter folks, and while I know for a fact Brady has the juice to eek this one out at home, Kirk Cousins and the power of Christianity are going to keep it close. But Bill Belichick is the dark lord, and the Devil don't lose at home. Satan wins, Jesus covers.
LA Chargers +3.5 @ Pittsburgh (Sunday Night)
This is the "Who's Ringo" game of the week. The Patriots are Paul. The Chiefs are Lennon. No one wants to be Ringo. The loser of this game is going to be the 4th best team in the AFC, and the 4th child is usually the mistake. While the Steeler's receivers have more hands than an octopus' garden, Phillip Rivers is going to get the Chargers in his yellow submarine and leave Mike Tomlin wondering if he can get by with a little help from his friends. Too much? Understood. Anyways, Rivers is on fire. Chargers by 6.
Philadelphia -6.5 vs. Washington (Monday Night)
This game stinks, but I have to believe Carson Wentz can do something against the Redskins. Reuben Foster is a free man, which is bad news for him, but this is a must win for the Eagles if they want any shot of making another run this year. There can only be one good ginger in the league, and with Dalton out, Wentz need to be the one to sit on the Orange Throne. Birds by 8
The hiatus is finally over. The Gooch is finally back where he belongs. I’m gonna keep this short because he truth of the matter is I’m hemorrhaging money and the bookie’s on my ass. We gotta get hot, so let’s get a move on. Here are your Week 11 picks.
Seattle -3 vs. Green Bay
If there’s anything anyone knows about Jimmy Gooch, it’s that I love my mother, and Aaron Rodgers, that rat bastard, hasn’t talked to his family in years. She cleaned your clothes after practices for your whole life. She fed you every day. She gave you life. Sure, your dad may have a betting problem, but all that tells me is that he believes in his son more than my pops did (shoutout pops). That being said, Rodgers and Wilson seem to be the best QB rivalry going, which sucks because both of these guys don’t know how to be entertaining when they speak words. Green Bay is 20th in rushing yards allowed, and Breshad Penny is gonna eat. I hope Rodgers never wins another game. I love you mom.
Washington +3.5 vs. Houston
This is the “They’re leading the division?” matchup of the week. Houston is coming off a bye, and everyone seems to be drooling over this Demaryius Thomas signing. Guess what, the guys old and probably isn’t going to fit playing with a young, spry DeShaun Watson. STAT TO CONSIDER: Washington is 3-0 against the spread as the home dog. I like you Alex Smith, but you better wake up.
Oakland +6 @ Arizona
This is the “John Gruden: Show Me the Money” game. I know I’m gonna hate myself for this, but the Raiders need to pull one out for me one time. Look, if Gruden can’t get a win against this atrocious Arizona unit, what are we even doing. Derek Carr need to figure this out man. Say what you want about Gruden, but he knows how to scheme plays, and if Carr can’t prove he can execute, Gruden’s not going to wait around for him to pick up the pieces. The Cards flatout stink, and it’s time for Derek Carr to write his own ticket.
Bears -2.5 vs. Vikings
A classic prove it game for DAAA Berss. Chicago is 4-1 at home ATS this year, but the Vikings are 3-1 ATS on the road. It’s gonna be cold as hell in Chicago Sunday night, but Trubisky has an arm that cuts through the night. Jesus can’t save Kirk Cousins from Khalil Mack this weekend. Bears in a landslide.
Kansas City +3 at LAR
Kansas City is getting points this week. Let me repeat myself. KANSAS CITY IS GETTING POINTS. Look, it doesn’t matter if they win or not. You have a moral obligation as a degenerate to lay the money of the Chiefs simply because you don’t want to be on the wrong end of a Pat Mahomes boat-racing. The Chiefs run defense is bad, but so is the Rams pass-D, and if I learned anything from CYO basketball, it’s that you can pass the ball faster than you can dribble. Chiefs win outright.
The Gooch is currently in God mode at the moment. Undefeated since week 14; if you don't like money, then keep it moving. Otherwise, here we go! These are going to be quick because I'm super last minute.
PATS -7.5 vs. Jags
Jags are a good story, but these are the Patriots. Winners win, and this week should be no different. The Jags D is outstanding, but this is a different animal. Pats by a load.
VIKINGS -3 @ Eagles
To be honest, I just don't think Foles has the juice to keep this team moving forward. The Vikings defense is going to be all over him today, and while the game should be close, Minnesota is officially the team of destiny. Vikes get the win in a late TD.
OVER 39 in Vikings/Eagles
I don't think it's going to be a shootout, but the weather is going to be fine, and 39 is a really low number, especially considering the firepower the Vikings have on offense. I'd say the final total will be 43.
Full disclosure; I have absolutely dropped the ball as far as giving you my absolute locks of the universe for the past couple of weeks. Being swept away with the excitement that is the NFL playoffs and the weeks leading to it, I forgot my most important job, giving you a piece of my mind. But not this week, in my opinion the greatest week of the NFL season. Moving forward, I pledge myself to you, Meatball Nation, however few you may be, to help you win a little extra money. That being said, let's go!
EAGLES +2.5 vs. Falcons
Sure, the Eagles lost their potential MVP earlier this year in a gruesome leg injury, but in all honesty, the Falcons looked thoroughly unimpressive in their win against the Rams, and Matt Ryan is simply not who he was last season as we've seen this season. While Foles seemed to struggle in his last outing, he has managed to keep this team afloat behind that daunting defense. Also, has Matt Ryan ever thrown 7 TD's in a game? That's what I thought. Eagles by 5
PATS -13.5 vs. Titans
13.5 points is an absolutely ridiculous line for a divisional round matchup, but I also have no earthly idea as to how the Titans have gotten this far. By some grace of God and a senile Jeff Triplette, Marcus Mariota and the Titans find themselves in the belly of the beast, Foxboro, MA, to face the evil Empire after a weeks rest. I only see this whole Brady-Belichick-Kraft satanic love triangle storyline as further motivation for a team that didnt need any more as it is. Pats boat race 'em by 18.
JAGS +7 @ Steelers
There is something about how bad Blake Bortles is playing that is simply magical. I don't know how he is staying relevant in the landscape of the league, but god damnit here we are. The last time we saw these teams play, Baby Huey Roethlisberger gave away 5 picks, and considering the elements for Sunday morning, this game is going to be awful to watch. Either way, I think the margin of victory will be lower than 7. I say the Steelers win by 3, but the Jags cover.
SAINTS +5 @ Vikings
I'm the least confident about this game, and the winner of this game is going to the Superbowl, so I expect an absolute slobberknocker. The Vikings D gets a lot of hype, but people sleep on the New Orleans secondary, and unless the Vikings get their running game going, Case Keenum is going to show his true colors. The Gooch predicts a shootout, and I'm going to ride with the old gunslinger. Saints by 3.
Its all hands on deck this week. My apologies about last week; had some issues with the the old internet, but were back and better than ever for Week 13. Week 11 I went .500, keeping this ship afloat. With that said, let's keep it movin'.
San Francisco +3 @ Chicago
The Garoppolo era begins in the kid's hometown. In what little we saw of him against the Seahawks, he looked sharp and decisive. The Bears are sure to bring the blitz against the young guy, so look for a lot of quick balls and screen passes. The Niners D is going to bring it against Trubisky, and he won't know what to do. Niners win by a touchdown.
New England -8.5 @ Buffalo
Tom Brady is 13-2 on the road against the Bills, and if he wins this weekend, he will tie the record for most quarterback wins in Buffalo since 2001. That list includes Bill's quarterbacks. This one isn't going to be close, and if we're lucky, we can get another Nate Peterman sighting this week. Pats in a blowout.
Cleveland +14 @ LA Chargers
Look, I know you may have grown weary of the Dawg Pound after being abysmal for eons, but Josh "Good Shit" Gordon is back, and I think he's going to absolutely smoke the Bolt's secondary. They are on the road, but that soccer stadium the Charger's are at isn't much of a homefield advantage. The Chargers will win, but it will be close, because there are 3 guarantees in this world: Death, Taxes, and Phillip Rivers down by 4 with no timeouts and having to the length of the field.
Go forth my children.
If it weren't for a lack of intestinal fortitude by AJ Bouye not diving into the endzone, we would have been undefeated AGAIN last week, but sometimes thats just the way the ball rolls. Alas, we still sit 4-1-1 for the last two weeks, and my heater's end is nowhere in sight. I'm so confident, everybody's getting a bonus pick this week. What do you say, LETS MAKE SOME MONAYYY!
Detroit -3 @ Chicago
Matt Stafford has been on an absolute roll as of late. His running game has finnaly shown up for him, and it seems as though the more responsibility he's being given as far as running the offense, the more he excels. Their defense still needs some work, as it gave up 24 points at home to the browns last week, but Trubisky and Co. are still working out all the kinks. Lions grind out a late road victory.
Kansas City -10.5 @ NY Giants
10.5 points on the road is quite a point to consider, but the fact is that one of the most explosive offenses in the league is coming in to face a New York Giants squad that has lost it's competitive libido. They've given up on their coach, their best player is out for the year, and the fans just don't care anymore. The Chiefs are coming off a bye, and that's bad news for Ben McAdoo, and may result in his last game as coach. Chiefs by a lot.
Jacksonville -7.5 @ Cleveland
Even though they burned me and the rest of Meatball Nation last week, they're playing the Cleveland Steamers this week and I gotta say, I'm still fully hitched to the Bortle Bandwagon. Deshone Kizer's gonna be the mayor of Pick City, and this will be Leonard Fournette's comeback week. Jags by 13.
Philadelphia -3.5 @ Dallas
Sunday Night Football; NBC
Now that Ezekiel Elliot is officially serving his 6-week suspension, this ones a no-brainer. We've seen that Prescott, at this point in his career, needs a strong running game behind him to be really effective, and Carson Wentz is putting together a strong case for the MVP this season. Dallas can't hide behind the Jerry-world sun glare this week, and America's team is getting boat raced by America's most successful redhead.
Just realized I picked all road favorites. Oh well, you can still take it to the bank.
After going undefeated last week, the rest of this NFL season, from here on out, is in my back pocket. We finally got back to .500, and meatball nation isn't turning back. Let's roll.
Jacksonville -4.5 vs. LAC
Jacksonville looks to be on an absolute roll this season, and I'm going to keep riding this wave, especially when they're playing the NFL's lost child, the LA Chargers. Fournette should be back playing this week, and I don't think it's gonna be close. Jags boat-race 'em.
San Francisco +2.5 vs. NYG
I know this pick is probably going to come back and bite me in the ass, but they gotta win one game this year, right? The Giants seem to have quit on the rest of this year, and if there is a possible Jimmy G sighting, it may be the spark SF needs to squeeze one out. Regrettably, Im taking the 'Niners here.
New England -7.5 @ Denver
Sunday Night Football; NBC
I know 7.5 is a lot of point to take on the road, but even if Brady and Co. don't light them up on the offensive end, I can't see a scenario in which Brock Osweiler can keep it close, even at home. Also look for the return of Martellus Bennett, quite possibly the most important mid-season pickup of this season. Pats get the job done, and the Brocketship fails to launch under the lights.
Hello, hello, hello. It's been almost two weeks since my last appearance, and I am finally back from my hiatus. It's been a rough season so far people, I get it more than most. Players are hittin' the IR at a pace I have never seen before, every team in the league seems to have forgotten how to play football, and most problematic, The Gooch, for the first time ever, finds himself below .500 at the season's midpoint. But don't you fret; I'm bringing the flames this weekend to make everyone some money and send us into a happy work week. Let's do it!
Jacksonville -6 vs. Cincinnati
Leonard Fournette is running wild all over the league this year, even against some of the best run defenses in the NFL. While the Bengals eeked out a win last week against the Colts at home, the Jags are coming off a bye week and are ready to make their return at home. As long as the vaunted Jacksonville defense holds form and Bortles doesn't give it up, Look for the Jaguars to cruise to their fifth win.
Oakland -3 @ Miami
Sunday Night Football
I don't know what the hell is wrong with the Raiders. One week their beating the best team in the AFC, the next they become almost unbearable to watch. To be honest, Oakland has been an absolute nightmare to bet on this year. Maybe that has to do with Carr likely being hurt, or because it looks like Marshawn Lynch doesn't seem to give a shit this year. Whatever it is, this team has so far been one of the most underwhelming teams in recent memory. HOWEVER, with all that being said, they're playing the Dolphins... without Ajayi... come on Oakland.
Detroit -2 @ Green Bay
Monday Night Football
Since 2000, the Lions have only gone into Lambeau Field and come back with a win 1 time. For years, the Lions have been the little brother, receiving a whooping and heading back to Detroit with their tails in between their legs. But guess what Detroit, Favre isn't walking through that tunnel this week, and neither is Rodgers. It's your time to step up goddammit. Your season starts right now. Go get a win on the road while the entire country watches. Mortal Lock.
ON AN ABSOLUTE HEATER RIGHT NOW. 3-0 TWO WEEKS AGO. LAST WEEK THE SITE WASN'T WORKING. LET'S KEEP IT ROLLIN' BABYYYYYYYYY!
Chiefs -3 @ Raiders
Thursday Night Football
Nobody really knows what the hell happened last week against the Steelers, but we're just gonna keep it movin'. The Raiders simply aren't right due to Carr's health, and that defense, even with the addition of Bowman, is swiss cheese city. It's Oakland's first week without the goddamn baseball field, so look for the olympic track team that is the Kansas City Chiefs to run all over the RRRRRRRAIDERRRRRRS.
Bengals +5.5 @ Steelers
Sunday 1:25 PM PT
I don't know why, but I just have a funny feeling about Big Ben blowing up this week. The Bengals are coming off of a bye, and Dalton seems to be figuring it out after a rough start this season. The Red Rocket is gonna be taking off in Pittsburgh this weekend, and I hope we get another passive-aggressive postgame interview from Roethlisberger.
Eagles -5 vs Redskins
Monday Night Football
This game shouldn't be close. Honestly, the Eagles look like the second best team in the NFL right now, and Carson Wentz is the front-runner of the MVP race this year, according to sportsinsight.com. After last week's performance against the Niner's, I don't know how the 'Skins aren't getting more than 5 points, so I'm betting the house on Philly. This is the mortal lock of the week. Book it.
But if you do, let us help you lose money.